This is a really old chain of e-mails from a really boring day at work.
Poetry
14 messages
| Chris Perry <XXX@gmail.com> | Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 12:58 PM |
To: A bunch of people
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Anne was commenting on my GMail away message which read that I was peeing for six straight hours, with the following: "peeing peeing over the bounding main
where'er a stormy wind shall blow 'ere Chris pees lots again!"
Naturally, I could not be outdone, so I came up with these gems:
"Soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Tis the East, and Juliette is peeing."
(apologies to Bill Shakespeare)
"While I nodded, nearly seeing, suddenly there came a peeing,
As of some one gently peeing, peeing on my chamber floor.
`'Tis some perv,' I muttered, `peeing on my chamber floor-
Only this, and nothing more.'"
(apologies to EA Poe) "Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight pee of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous pee in here."
(apologies to that long fellow)
Anne:"Pee is flowing like a river.....
flowing out of you and meeeeee....
flowing out into the desert....
setting all the captives freeeee"
(apologies to christian churches everywhere)
Chris: "I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
Because I had to pee and didn't want anybody watching."(apologies to Frosty) "O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of yellow,
Where on the deck my Captain pees,
And you wouldn't believe the smell-o."(apologies to Walt)
"Yes we'll pee with a pee that is measured and slow,
And we'll pee where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they pee, and the children, they poo on
The place where the sidewalk ends."(sorry Shel!) Another productive day at work. |
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| Chris Perry <XXX@gmail.com> | Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 1:40 PM |
To: a lot of people
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Time for a follow-up: (submitted by Jason): "I think that I shall never see
Anything as lovely as a good pee"and "will you still need me
will you still feed me
when i'm peeing on the floor"(submitted by Matt) "BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
And I have had to pee for some time.
BERNARDO
Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make waste."
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| Chris Perry <XXX@gmail.com> | Thu, Oct 2, 2008 at 2:22 PM |
To: a lot of people
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Time for my last submissions of the day. It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth here to pee.
`By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st to pee?
The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And the party doth commence ;
The guests are met, the feast is set :
May'st hear the flatulence.'
He holds him with his skinny hand,
`There was a sh*t,' quoth he.
`Hold off ! unhand me, grey-beard loon !'
And big ol' turds dropt he.(apologies to Coleridge)In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately toilet-bowl decree :
Where Flush, the sewage river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down from an endless pee.(again, apologies to Coleridge)The pee goes ever on and on
Down from the hole where it began.
Now far ahead the pee has gone,
And I must wipe it, if I can,
Pursuing it from toilet seat,
Until it flush's down yonder way
Where many pees and poopies meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.(apologies to Tolkein)AND FINALLY:To pee, or not to pee -- that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the butt to suffer
The stings and aromas of outrageous flatulence
Or to take a crap against a sea of porcelain
And by opposing end them. To pee, to poop--
No more--and by a poop come out my end
The fartache, and the thousand aftershocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a constipation
Devoutly to be wished. To pee, to poop--
To poop--perchance to fart; ay, where's my Gas-X?(Sorry Bill)
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| Folse, Emily <The Wife> | Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 8:36 AM |
To: everybody
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Happy Friday!!! Ok here’s my one attempt:
“I’ll hoist up my pants! The crowds will crowd in!
And my circus McGurkus will promptly begin
With a welcoming toot on my Flatulence Flute
By my horn-tooting apes from the Jungles of Boot
Where the very best horn-tooting apes all go to poot
‘Cause the very fresh air there is fine for their sneeze.
And some of those fellows can do two or three pees!”
(apologies to Seuss)
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| Chris Perry <XXX@gmail.com> | Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 9:58 AM |
To: everybody
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Alas, more poems about bodily functions:
(from jason)
One pee to rule them all
One pee to find them
One pee to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
(apologies to Tolkein)
Chris:
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even Anne's mom.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with paste,
For a place that St Nicholas could put human waste.
The children were all upstairs wetting their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums swam through their heads.
And mamma in the buff, when I doffed my cap,
Had just settled her butt for a long winter's crap.
When out from my gut there arose such a splatter,
I sprang to the john to take care of the matter.
Away to the toilet I flew like a flash,
Tore open the cover and threw up my lunch.
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| David Mills <XXX@lsu.edu> | Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 10:35 AM |
To: everyone
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Okay, my turn...
"Pee, pee, pee.
Pee, pee, pee.
Pee, pee, pee.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can pee that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can pee that isn't where you're meant to pee.
It's easy.
All you need is pee.
All you need is pee.
All you need is pee, pee.
Pee is all you need."
(apologies to John, Paul, George, Ringo and my parents)
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| Chris Perry <XXX@gmail.com> | Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 10:38 AM |
To: David Mills <XXX@lsu.edu>
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| Laura Almazan <XXX@msn.com> | Fri, Oct 3, 2008 at 10:57 AM |
To: All
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okaaay me me!
I have no poetic skills...but here's a song...
It’s 7:35
......
She peed with him today
Her daddy couldn't turn away
I saw a stream rolled down her leg
And that thrills me
‘cuz now I, can see why
She’s finally peeing
How was I supposed to know
She would slowly let it go
If she was holding it like hell
Hell - I couldn’t tell
She could’ve given me a sign
And poked me in the eye
How was I supposed to see
She never peed in front of me
Yeah maybe I might’ve laughed
It’s hard for me to say
But the story’s still the same
And it’s a wet one
And I’ll always believe
If she ever did pee for me
It was pee that you can’t see
You know the clear one
And now I, can see why
She’s finally peeing...
(I'm sure Toby Keith could make this a hit!)
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